June 14, 2011

Scientists today announced news that our Sun may be entering a period of hibernation, interrupting its steady, 11-year cycle of sunspot activity and resulting in cooler temperatures on the Earth. Terrestrial climatologists have been scrambling to interpret the new data and relate it to their current computer models of global warming. According to these scientists, the results are not encouraging.

"Greenhouse gas emissions by industrialized nations have been trending toward improvement over the past several years," said one researcher, adding "we're going to reach an interesting point given the news about the sunspots."

Interesting indeed. But discouraging?

"Our key parameters come from emission targets specified by the Kyoto protocol, as well as from Al Gore's 'Inconvenient Truth' slide deck. When you project the predicted change in temperature and then subtract the cooling effects now predicted from lack of sunspots, you see there will be a completely unexpected supercooling effect that could bring on the next ice age," our sources say.

Aggravating the situation is another inconvenient truth: there is much political and industrial momentum in the direction of reduced emissions. Knowledgeable sources previously involved in Congress' [now inactive] Select Committee on Energy Independence & Global Warming, stated "Despite reports from the right-wing media, it would be suicide at the voting booth to reverse the emissions initiatives to the degree needed to prevent a deep freeze," then added, "Everybody across the political spectrum wants a Prius, Fusion, or some other hybrid or zero-emission vehicle if for no other reason than they're fashionable. And our manufacturers aren't tooled up to make smoggy vehicles any more."

Meet our New Saviors

There is a silver lining to be found in a nation of billions, which has already come to the rescue of the United States by providing needed, if underaged, manufacturing capacity to cost-conscious companies. To provide that inexpensive manufacturing capacity, China has forgone most of the emissions controls taken for granted by the Western society. The nation's voracious appetite for manufacturing work may very well ensure the continued production of enough greenhouse gases to prevent the next freeze-out.

Augmenting China's efforts, the burning of rain forests in South America to make room for grazing cattle may gain political traction over the next five years, as these forests had been seen as necessary to scrubbing carbon dioxide--the primary greenhouse gas--from the atmosphere. Fewer rain forests means a heightened ability to counter cooling effects from the missing sunspots.

"It's anybody's guess how these factors will cancel each other out," our friendly climatologist says, "but we're keeping our fingers crossed."

Brazilian beef, anyone?